Can perfectionism be a good thing?
No.
Ever?
No.
Table of Contents
The story of the undergrad
Why can’t perfectionism ever be a good thing?
Because perfectionism is wanting the unachievable. The unattainable.
I remember reading an article in Inc. about perfectionism, that tells a story about an undergraduate student. This undergrad pressured himself to get an A in a class he was taking. Not a bad start in itself. Lots of us want to achieve. So what happened?
He worked really hard and aced the class. Yay! Then he said that the A+ is just a demonstration of what a failure he is. If he’d been perfect, he wouldn’t have had to work so hard to achieve it.
What?!
Yup!
Why we can’t win with perfectionism
We can’t win with perfectionism. Even if we set a worthy goal, such as running a marathon or getting straight A’s at university.
Let’s say we achieve it – we’re still going to think that it’s not good enough because it should have been easier, we should feel less tired now if we were really amazing.
After a while we get familiar with the cycles. We make a goal, work hard at achieving it, achieve it or not, we still feel not good enough at the end.
So after catching on, what happens the next time we make a goal? We get paralysed and can’t move forward. We procrastinate. Sure we won’t get to run the marathon or start our dream side hustle, but at least we’ll delay or avoid that feeling of inevitable failure either way.
Related posts:
- Why Perfectionism Makes Us Procrastinate
- Overcome Fear of Failure and Develop Grit
- The 3 Types of Perfectionist. Which type are you?
How perfectionism plays out in my life
This happened to me so many times. Most recently with a perfectionism article I was trying to write, ironically. I wanted it to be incredible, perfect. I felt that so much depended on that article (even though that wasn’t really true). And I worked myself up into a panic. What if it wasn’t incredible? If I’m just awful at this whole blogging thing? What if people read it and think it’s stupid?
So I waited. And waited.
2 months passed before I was able to sit down at the computer, pull up my notes and start writing.
In the end, those 2 months were more brutal than actually writing the article! I judged myself for procrastinating. Told myself I was weak and lazy, not realizing it was my perfectionism that was causing me to procrastinate.
The effects of perfectionism on mental health
I felt awful because of the many mental health effects that procrastination can have on us. Most of which I experienced during those two months.
- Stress
- Judgement
- Shame
- Paralysis
- Fear of being judged and rejected
- Self criticism
- Anxiety
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Fear of failure
Essentially, it was exhausting!
Stressful because so much time is passing! Shame and self-criticism at why can’t I just be tougher and power through this paralysis and procrastination. Since I’m not tougher, clearly I’m not good enough. At this point, even if I do it, what if it’s a total failure and everyone judges me for it?!
Exhausting!
Do you ever feel like this? About something that is super important to you?
Maybe it’s that side hustle that you’ve been dreaming about starting? Or a course in something so different than your usual thing at the university in your city?
If you’ve ever felt like this, clearly I know exactly how you feel!
And it takes some time to get through it and learn the ways to overcome perfectionism.
7 ways to overcome perfectionism
While there are many ways to overcome perfectionism, we’re going to go through the ones I find are most helpful for women.
So let’s go through the main ways to overcome perfectionism. (number 4 is my favourite!)
1. Recognize it and understand it
Make sure you understand what perfectionism is and where you learnt it.
When you understand something, you can keep an eye out for it and start to make difference choices.
Keep an eye out for exceedingly high standards, black and white thinking, “should” statements.
Try to understand your personal brand of perfectionism. To do this, you can journal, talk to a therapist, a trusted friend, or you can email me! I’m always here to listen and chat!
Key Questions to Ask Yourself
- If I look back to my childhood and teen years, where did the perfectionism come from?
- Was it from school, my parents, did someone say something?
- Was it about getting good grades or being praised for success or criticized for a lack of apparent success?
- What am I really scared of that is driving my perfectionism?
- Is it fear of failure, fear of success, fear of not being good enough?
- Who brings out my perfectionism?
- My friend group, family, Instagram, someone else?
- In which situations does it show up?
- At work, my side hustle, with my hobbies, with my partner?
- When does it happen?
- When I start a new project, before I start a new project, when I get an idea, when I’m halfway done or almost done?
These are all super important questions to answer, even if it is just in your head, because you become more aware and the next time it happens, a little light bulb will go on. And you’re going to think, “Oh okay this is my perfectionism.” Recognizing it is the first step to overcome perfectionism. The next step is doing something about it.
2. Make an achievements/stuff I’m good at list
I like to do this next because it primes me for number 3.
Making this list reaffirms a couple of things:
- You’ve done things in the past that have been great
- You’ve overcome things in the past
- It was the result of your effort, even when it wasn’t perfect
- The journey made you stronger and more knowledgeable
- You made it through and you’re still here
3. Set realistic expectations/goals
So far, your perfectionism has flared up and you’ve made a “stuff I’m good at list”.
Next, look at what you want to achieve, look at your ultimate goal. Maybe it’s starting your podcast side hustle, or taking it to the next level, starting to write that book, starting a finance blog, taking that art history course at your city’s university.
Key Questions to Ask Yourself
- How many hours can I actually work on this per day?
- If I have a full time job, theoretically, I can work on this maybe 3 hours before work and 6 after work. But that is not realistic. We have to eat, sleep properly, exercise, socialize, and do self care! And this is not an indulgence! This is stuff that you actually have to do if you want to be around long enough to see your idea through!
- So instead, it is maybe an hour before work and 2 after work.
- What is truly important to me – where should I put most of my energy, time and focus? Start there.
- The issue with perfectionists a lot of the time is that they must do everything perfectly. The result being, our attention, focus and energy is stretched too far. This leads to burnout and holds you back in the long term.
So if your side hustle is a blogging business, maybe your main focus is on your weekly email to your subscribers, but your social media stuff doesn’t always get the most engagement compared to your email. So focus on the email and put less of an effort on the social media stuff. Maybe do that stuff at the end of the day when the greatest chunk of your energy has already been given to your most important work.
Perfectionism trying to sneak back in
If you’re like me, then at this point in the article, you’re thinking, “Okay, right, I see what you’re saying. But I think I can do 2 hours before work and 5 hours after work. And I mean, I guess I won’t focus my energy on everything like 100%, but I can do 90%. I mean, you have to hold yourself to a high standard or else you won’t succeed. I can push myself hard and I can make things pretty much perfect. I’m pretty great like that. I think?”
I understand if you’re thinking like this, because that’s how I would think too. Now just stop it. Open your mind to the fact that: You can still succeed without killing yourself. Sure you will work hard and push yourself, but you won’t push yourself to complete burnout. And what is the point when you burn out and you’re on the couch binge watching Modern Family with a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream. How’s your business doing then?
Moving on.
4. Take a moment to realize that it will be difficult – and this is normal
This is a significant one for me because I always thought, “Well if I were good enough, it would be easy. Since it’s not easy, I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough and never will be.”
But everything worth doing will be difficult at moments. For some people it will be more difficult than others. Does that mean that the people who have it harder are worth less in any way? That they are not worthy to “make it” in their endeavors? No. It really doesn’t.
I remember being in high school, dreaming of a life in medicine and watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. A certain scene has stayed with me since that day. Preston tells Yang that he wasn’t like her. He wasn’t naturally talented. But he made up for it with hard work. Really hard work.
That scene has stayed with me all these years because it was so significant for me, even if I didn’t fully understand why at the time.
Realizing that it will be difficult was a huge weight off my shoulders, because I realized that my ability isn’t fixed. And just because studying came hard to me, didn’t mean I was worth less. I didn’t have to continue hiding or shaming away from how much I didn’t know because I could grow and improve. (Side note: realizing all of this took many years, but that scene was the start of it.)
When I learned that it’s normal for it to be difficult
When I was studying for my medical licensing exams, it was hard. It was really hard. And every day I would sit at my desk going, “Oh my god, this is so hard. I’m just so not good at this. This isn’t this hard for other people for sure. I’m just not good enough.”
And then one day I realized, that it was genuinely hard. Not just for me, but that studying for these exams was genuinely difficult. Ramming 4-6 years of content into your brain in a short amount of time, isn’t exactly something to be taken lightly.
The next day when I sat down and started studying, I thought, “Wow, this is hard.” And then somewhere deep within me, something said, “Yes, this is hard. And that’s okay.” I kept studying with a bit of a lighter step.
Recognizing that something will be difficult helps because a problem with perfectionism is thinking that something should be easy or take less time. And when it doesn’t, we see it as a criticism of ourselves.
But realizing that it is normal for it to be difficult and does take time, shows us that we are good enough. This is just a really hard thing we’re trying to do.
We don’t realize how long it took other people to get to where you see them now and where you want to be. It’s that whole, “Don’t compare your first day on the journey with someone’s 10 000th day.”
5. Start doing imperfect things
I look at this like detox.
Or I just see it like Joey says it:
Sometimes it feels like if we do something imperfect, the world will collapse, everyone will see, everyone will judge, we will make a fool of ourselves and it will be SO bad.
So start doing imperfect things:
- Paint a painting. It will be horrible – unless you know how to paint. And keep it in your living room.
- Do a cartwheel in the park around people. It won’t be very good, but you’ll see that people don’t really notice.
- Make a cake from scratch. Then take it over to a friend’s house.
- Make and origami swan. Then put it up on your shelf.
- Draw a portrait of yourself. Then put it up on your fridge.
Doing all these imperfect things will show you that nothing so incredibly bad will happen if you do something imperfectly.
6. Practise self-compassion
Be kind to yourself.
Perfectionism is something you learned in childhood and you’ve been carrying around for many years.
Working on it and moving past it will take some time and it won’t always be easy and you won’t always win over it.
But don’t judge yourself for it.
Practising self-compassion reduces the link between perfectionism and depression.
You can work on developing self-compassion through Mindful Self-Compassion training and yoga.
7. Create excellence for the sake of excellence
Pursing excellence when creating something is the ultimate in satisfaction.
When we build mastery, we get pleasure and feel competent and confident because we know we are contributing something well done to the world.
Also, we know that we are growing, getting better, and becoming more knowledgeable and this is a great feeling.
It’s helpful to remind ourselves of this when we are working on something and perfectionism kicks in.
And there you have it guys – 7 top ways to overcome perfectionism so you can lead the life you deserve!
Which tactics I use to overcome perfectionism
Personally, I use 4, 5, and 7 the most as a way to overcome perfectionism, but I’ve used the other ones at times. I also love yoga and meditation and do it regularly. Although I don’t usually think of it as helping with my perfectionism, but instead it is just something that I do, I think it has inadvertently helped with perfectionism and the paralysis and procrastination that often comes with it.
I really understand how perfectionism can slow us down. Put us into paralysis and then procrastination. And then we judge ourselves and self-criticize for why we are procrastinating. And when we do, we don’t think of perfectionism, we often tell ourselves it is because we’re lazy, not good enough, and weak.
This is completely not true.
I know we can overcome our perfectionism so that we can go out and start that side hustle, take that course, do whatever it is we really want to do!
Let’s get started!
Email me or comment below to let me know which tactics you are using and which are working! I love hearing from you and learning how your journey is going!
Don’t forget to download your Ultimate Perfectionism Guide! A simple, printable guide with exercises, questions, and insights to get you to learn how to overcome perfectionism and pursue the life you dream of! Plus a special free bonus at the end! Usually valued at 250$, but free for the amazing women who complete the guide!
Summary of the 7 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism
Perfectionism is wanting the unachievable, the unattainable.
We can’t win with perfectionism. Even when we achieve something we’re still going to think that it’s not good enough because it should have been easier, we should feel less tired now if we were really amazing.
Perfectionism can cause mental health problems: stress, judgement, shame, paralysis, fear of rejection, self-criticism, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of failure.
7 ways to overcome perfectionism:
- Recognize it and understand it
- Make an achievements/stuff I’m good at list
- Set realistic expectations/goals
- Realize that it is normal for it to be difficult
- Start doing imperfect things
- Practise self-compassion
- Create excellence for the sake of excellence
Perfectionism can slow us down, put us into paralysis and then procrastination. And then we judge ourselves and self-criticize for why we are procrastinating.
We can overcome our perfectionism so that we can go out and start that side hustle, take that course, do whatever it is we really want to do!
Are you struggling with perfectionism? If so, which of these ways have you tried, or are excited to try?
Share in the comments below!
