‘To Tell Or Not To Tell’ Our Family About Our New Dream

Table of Contents

The excitement of a new dream

When we realize that we have a new dream for ourselves and our life, we can feel such a crazy flurry of emotions. We want to share our excitement with the people around us. We want to tell our friends and family about our new dream so they can share in the excitement.

We feel excited, empowered like we can fly, like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders, lighter, calmer and happier. Also, we feel nervous, a little scared, worried, hesitant, curious, and a little confused about how to move forward.

We also feel a little delicate

Essentially, we might be a little delicate. We’ve realized that the life we’re living is no longer serving us. It’s not making us happy and we wake up filled every day with dread instead of feeling excited and eager to face the challenges of the day. And we’ve realized that we want to follow our dream.

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Often, it’s a dream we’ve always known we had. For example, we’ve always wanted to be a writer, but after hearing, “You can’t make a living doing that,” over and over, we decided to put our dream aside and become an accountant.

But the dream doesn’t want to stay aside, it’s always there within us, saying, “Remember me? I think we could have a good time together, I think you should give me a chance.”

When we decide to pursue our dream, we feel excited and we want to tell our family about our new dream. But is this a good idea?

Or maybe it’s a dream that you’re just realizing that you hold. Maybe you’ve realized that you want to move to Japan and open up a bakery there, after you learned how to make bread and spent two weeks in Japan. You just know that is what your dream is.

Whatever that dream is, when we realize it, we feel excited and ecstatic at the thought of living it. It can also seem crazy compared to the life we’re living right now. And when we decide to pursue it, there will still be doubts and fears.

Doubts and fear about our new dream

Obviously we’ll have doubts and fears. We’re starting something new, something that is different from what we were doing before. And with that there is a big learning curve, there is a new way of thinking to develop, and here are personal fears that we have to address before our dream can take off and become a reality.

We want to tell our family because we want to share our excitement

During this time, sometimes we want to tell our family about our new dream. We’re so excited about it and we want to have our loved ones share in that excitement. Or we’re a little nervous and we want to hear words of encouragement and support from our close friends and family.

Possible positive reaction

If we tell them while the dream is still new and fresh, we might get a positive reaction. It’s possible. We might hear words of excitement, support, and encouragement.

We might get questions about how we decided, how we think we’ll move forward, and maybe we’ll even get some good ideas.

It’s possible.

Possible well-intentioned negative reaction

However, it’s also possible that something else might happen.

Our friends and family care about us, and from the best of intentions, they might be hesitant about our dream. They might not understand it. If everyone in your friends and family is in business or corporate, telling them you want to travel to Tibet to paint goats might be outside of their understanding and their comfort zone.

They might ask things like:

Are you sure? I mean what do you really know about ____?
If it was such a good idea, wouldn’t somebody already be doing it?
Aren’t there enough _____ in the world?
What could you possibly add?
I don’t think you can make money doing that.
So what are you going to live off of?
Does [insert partner/spouse name] know about this?
But why? What is wrong with what you’re doing now?
What was the point of all that schooling?
Don’t you still have student loans to pay off?
That sounds really risky, are you sure you’ve thought about this?
Okay but how are you going to make this work?
It doesn’t really sound like you have a plan.
It doesn’t really sound like you’ve thought this through or know enough about this.

For the most part, these questions or statements are coming from a good place. They’re coming from a place of worry and concern about our wellbeing.

They’re also projections of their own fears.

When someone thinks that they themselves would never be able to create a successful business and they see it as a gargantuous task that only Harvard graduates can do, they project this fear and insecurity onto you and express concern about your ability to do it.

When someone is very concerned and insecure about their own finances, they project this fear onto you and express worry about whether you will be able to control your finances if you follow this dream.

The questions are really a projection of their own fears, spoken in the context of you and your dream.

But when we hear these questions, we don’t realize this.

Instead we think:

Oh, they don’t think I’m smart enough, capable enough, good enough.
Oh, they don’t think I can actually do this.
They think this is a crazy idea.
Oh yeah, maybe they have a point about money.
Yeah, I suppose I haven’t really thought about all the details about this.
Yes, I suppose my life isn’t so bad, I guess I could just stay where I am.
Yeah, this is my family, they know me so well. If they don’t think I can do it, maybe I can’t.

And even if we don’t realize that we are thinking this, their words, weigh down on us and cause us to be more hesitant, more nervous, and more scared.

And what was an exciting dream, slows down, and we think about putting it to the side again.

The benefits of waiting to tell our family about our new dream

So what is the difference between telling them right away and telling them a little later, when you’ve definitely decided on your dream and have gotten more sure about it.

Will they say something different?

No, they’ll probably say more or less the same thing regardless of when you tell them about your dream.

They don’t change. You do.

When you’ve been working on your dream for some time, the initial excitement that you felt has only increased, while the doubts and fears that you had at the beginning have slowly decreased.

Why? Because you’ve been working on your dream. You’ve researched and read and worked at it. Maybe you signed up for a course, hired a coach, researched into renting out a space, and worked on yourself and the way you think about success, your life, and your thoughts.

Over time, you’ve gotten more confident, you understand your dream, and you understand yourself more. You’ve come to learn where your insecurities come from and you’ve learned how to deal with them and continue working despite of them. And as a result, they’ve gotten quieter.

So what happens when you come and tell your family and friends that you’ve decided to pursue your dream?

When you tell your family about your new dream a little later, they’ll ask the same questions as they would have done had you told them earlier. Except that this time you’ll be able to understand where they are coming from.

Because you’ve done work on yourself and you’ve grown, you’re able to see their projections onto you. You’re able to see that what they’re saying and asking isn’t necessarily about you and it doesn’t reflect who you are.

You’re able to answer back with, “I understand that you’re worried. And thank you for that. I would probably be worried too if I was in your shoes. But know that I’ve been working on this for some time. I’m a smart person, and I’ve done the work the make sure that this is a real thing, and I’m continuing to do the work to make it happen. I’d be happy to answer any questions you have, but please know that I’m not going to change my mind. This is important to me, and I know I can make it work. I’d love to have your support, but I’ll continue doing this even without it.”

I waited until I knew there was no going back

I knew for many months that I was not going to do medicine, and that instead I was going to follow my dream of creating a coaching business, before I told my family.

My sister and my partner knew right away, a little bit later, I told my brother. But I knew there was going to be hesitancy in telling the rest of my family.

I waited about seven months before I told my family.

Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, said she waited a year and that’s the amount of time that she recommends.

I think I was pretty lucky with the reaction I got when I told my family. I had family members that said, “I think that’s amazing!” which was followed with questions and ideas. Other parts of my family asked why, why give up on medicine, an incredible and stable career, to go chasing after a dream. They asked me what the point of my education was, and they asked me what’s so different about my life in the coaching business versus a life in medicine. Why change?

Had I not been so sure about my coaching business, I would have felt insecure. I would have stumbled through my answered.

I had done the work on myself

However, I had done the work, I had paid for and completed two courses on creating a successful online business. I had read endless articles and books about how it all works. I had put in the time to put together all the parts of the business, such as creating the website, creating a sales funnel, and putting together a marketing plan.

But more than this, I had worked on myself by reading endless self-development books, I started listening constantly to Robin Sharma, I listened to Cathy Heller’s, Don’t Keep Your Day Job podcast, The Savvy Psychologist podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show, Marie Forleo’s YouTube channel and many more. I learned where my mindset comes from and slowly I created a new one that actually serves me and the dream I have.

The result was that when I started telling people about my dream, even though I was nervous, I knew I was untouchable. I knew that whatever I heard, it would slide down my like the cassette tape down Chandler’s arm.

What I think would have happened if I told them earlier

Had I not done all of this work beforehand, I know I would have felt doubt, concern, and insecure in my ability to make this a success.

Up to you, but waiting till your dream is solidified and you feel comfortable with it, can be a positive thing.

A negative reaction is normal, but you can avoid it

It’s normal to want to share our excitement or get support when we feel concern when we are starting our dream.

It’s also normal for our friends and family to express concern when we tell them about our dream. They care about us, and while it comes from a good place, they may project their own concerns and insecurities onto you and your dream. Concerns and insecurities that may not have anything to do with you.

Working on yourself and your dream for a set amount of time, before telling friends and family, is a great way to solidify our dream – to give it and ourselves time to grow and stretch into this new space that we want to occupy.

That way when we do decide to tell our friends and family about our new dream (and we do eventually have to tell them – we’re not James Bond living a double life), we can welcome their questions and concerns, without feeling doubt in ourselves and without having our self-confidence shaken up.

How much time to wait?

How much time depends on you and how long it takes you to get to that point of feeling, “I’m ready.” You’ll still be nervous, of course, but you’ll know you’re ready. I suggest no longer than a year. At that point, you’re just procrastinating, and hiding out.

Still take as much time as you need, and know that regardless of whether they support you or not, you’re doing what is best for you. You’re being true to your dream and yourself, and while they can come on the journey with you, it’s not a prerequisite.