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The fear that I hear most often
When I’m working with my coaching clients, and we’re discussing how she can pursue her dream, the fear that comes up most often is, “What will people think? I don’t want anyone to find out.” This is the fear of judgement.
Who’s judging us?
But what people are we talking about – who are these people that we fear will judge us? When we’re talking about “these people,” we’re not talking about our close friends and family, specifically the people who we love and whose opinion we value.
We’re talking about the people outside of that, the casual friends, the people in our community, or the friends and family whose opinions we don’t value.
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We imagine what they will say and think. The discussions they will have between themselves about us. We know it will happen because we’ve been there while another person’s life was combed through and opinions were thoroughly given.
It makes us want to just continue what we’ve been doing, put our dreams in a filing cabinet under, “Guess not” and call it a day.
Why is this such a big fear?
Women, especially Type A women, have built a whole persona and identity as a successful, responsible, and all-around respectful woman. As such, we’ve created a life that fits with this persona. We’ve become doctors, lawyers, academics, successful corporate women, or anything else that is highly valued in our society. We’ve gotten the right apartment, the right car, the right partner.
It’s all nice and cozy with a pretty red bow on top.
And around us everyone says, “Wow, look at her, she’s really done it. She’s really successful, really smart, and she worked hard and well to get to where she is. She’s the idol for what I want my own girls to look like.”
Fear of judgement comes when we decide to veer off course
So when we decide that we don’t want this life anymore, that it’s not making us happy, and it’s not who we truly are, and we decide that we want to stop and pursue a dream we have instead, it can be very unsettling.
Because we are not doing something as simple as following our dream. In these instances, we feel like we are putting our whole identity up for question and judgement.
We’ve gotten used to people commenting on us and our life as it is now. So there is no reason to think that they won’t comment when we decide to do something completely different.
And it doesn’t matter what this dream is – whether it is writing, painting, starting a bakery, starting a coaching business, or any other kind of business, writing a screenplay, becoming an actress, opening a café, or whatever else our dream may be.
Just the fact that we are veering off the path that we are currently on, seems like an act of defiance and a way to have our whole identity open for criticism and judgement.
And I’m going to tell you, that’s is absolutely true. They’re going to judge you.
My own experience with the fear of judgement
When I decided to leave medicine to pursue my dream of having a coaching business where I help women unshackle and pursue their own true dream, I was terrified.
Although I did have some fears like:
What if it fails?
What if I don’t know enough?
Who am I to do this?
I don’t know anything about business – I come from science! I’ve never taken a business course in my life!
Even my therapist thinks I should continue onto medicine!
But my biggest fear was about people finding out. In my head, I could hear the conversations, that started with, “Oh my God, did you hear about Sonja?!”
And ended with, “Oh wow, that sucks, she probably couldn’t take the pressure. And to choose coaching of all things. That’s not even a thing.”
My bad solution to prevent judgement
So I played it small for a while. I didn’t really tell people about it. I tried not to be too flashy about it, not posting on social media about what I’m doing, not putting a lot of my own pictures on my website.
Eventually, I realized that this kind of thinking was holding me back. How am I supposed to create a business if no one knows about it? If the people who I’m afraid will judge me, can’t find me online, how can anyone else?
More than this, by not calling myself a coach right away, I wasn’t letting myself become this new identity, the new persona I wanted to be. And this comes across. In all the work you do to make your dream a reality. When we think, sure I’m writing right now, but I’m not actually a writer (if your dream is to be a writer for example), this comes across in our writing.
So I had to make a choice – was I going to keep playing small, not call myself a coach, and essentially hide, so I don’t risk judgment and embarrassment, or was I going to open it up, open my identity up for discussion and risk judgement and embarrassment for the sake of my dream?
Why we experience fear of judgement
Questioning the fear
To help us answer this question, these are some questions that we can ask ourselves. I’ve used some of them myself. When I was answering my own question whether to risk judgement for the sake of my dream or not.
What people? Who are these people who are going to judge you?
Are they your friends and family who you love and whose opinion is important to you? Because that’s a whole different topic.
Are they the kind of people that you enjoy being around? Are they positive, encouraging, and have a view about the world and life that you share?
Do they live the kind of life you want to be living?
Do you think they would be supportive of your dream?
Are they coming from a life that you are trying to get away from? Only they seem more than content with it?
Do you think having them in your life will hinder or propel forward your own dream?
Does their opinion mean it’s the truth?
Are they going to tell you their judgement straight to your face?
Is it any of your business what they say and think behind your back?
Is it any of your business to go around and find out what they are saying?
Why are they in your life?
How answering these questions helps
Answering these questions can help us realize that sure, there are people who are going to judge us. However, if they are not people who are on the same journey as us, who are living the kind of life that we are trying to get away from, and since most of them won’t tell you to your face what they are thinking about your new life, who cares.
It is absolutely none of your business what they are saying. You are leaving them behind and venturing out onto new lands, where you will meet new and interesting people who have the same hopes and dreams as you do. Who will propel your forward and let you bounce great ideas off of them.
What people who are judging you think, is completely irrelevant. So don’t let it hold you back.
An interesting thing that can happen
When we pursue our own dream, it gives the people around us permission to do the same.
We all live in communities. They don’t have to be physical communities, they can be a group of people that all go to the same church as we do, or the same background, or anything else that causes a group of people with some shared interest to hold similar set values and ideas. These values and ideas hold us in line.
When we decide to something new, we may be branching off from the values and ideas of this community.
For example, if this community believes having a good stable career, with a good and stable home is the path to happiness, branching off to become a painter, is bound to raise a few eyebrows, because it doesn’t go with the values and ideals.
But an interesting thing that happens, is that when you decide to do this, there is another member of that community, who also wants to do something else, who you just gave hope you. To whom you serve as an inspiration, to whom you just gave permission to follow their own path and be true to themselves.
That’s what is really inspiring when we take charge of our own path and dreams – we allow other people to do the same.
So wear it like a badge of honour – you’re doing something brave – let them judge
So if you’re hesitant to follow your dream because you fear judgement – you’re worried what people will think and how embarrassing that will be, remember that those people are not you.
They do not have the same dreams you have. Their opinion is not coming from a supportive and helpful place, and as a result, it’s irrelevant.
Don’t let it hold you back, and along the way, you’ll serve as an inspiration for other women who want to follow in their own dream!
